i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
