Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
this must be what syphilis tastes like
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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