You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
