My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
