You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
