i permit you to call me
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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