I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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