im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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