he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize