I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
