i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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