dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
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