Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
