i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
My ATM looks so different sober.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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