Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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