the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
