Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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