So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
