I just made out with a guy for $7.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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