I just pynch a tree in the face
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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