You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
