So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
