I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
