Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
