I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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