Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
