I faked an abortion last night.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
