my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Don't tell me you're on acid again
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
