he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
