I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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