you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize