so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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