EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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