Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
