you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
