you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
