I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
pop tarts are not kleenex
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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