if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
