And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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