At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
