i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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