I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
