My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
