I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
