My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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