Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
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