She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
