If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Randomize