best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
