I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Watching her eat just hurts me
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
