please come you make the beer taste better
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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