Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
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