I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
