If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
