You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
