I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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