new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
