Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
