So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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