If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
