Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
COCAINE IS GR8
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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