i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
