Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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