You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Randomize
