I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
