Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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